


Reversal of Fortune

by Castillon02



Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Body Image, Break Up, F/M, Humor, Post-SPECTRE, Trope Reversal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:41:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25528372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Castillon02/pseuds/Castillon02
Summary: Bond gets dumped because of his looks and then encourages his ex to date his friend.
Relationships: Bill Tanner/Madeleine Swann, James Bond/Madeleine Swann
Comments: 16
Kudos: 22
Collections: 007 Fest Fancreations





	Reversal of Fortune

**Author's Note:**

> For 007 Fest 2020's Trope Reversal Day

“I’m sorry,” Madeleine said. “It was the heat of the moment. We were both happy not to have been assassinated on a train. And then I was extremely relieved not to have been blown up by your foster brother. Things happened.” 

Bond frowned. “‘Things happened?’” he asked. 

“Now that our lives aren’t in danger, I just don’t think the chemistry is there,” Madeleine said apologetically. 

Bond frowned harder. “Wait. You’re breaking up with me because you’re not attracted to me?” 

This had never happened to him before. Usually he got dumped for being emotionally unavailable. Or for being physically unavailable because he was on a mission in another country or having sex in a different married woman’s bedroom.

“You’re not really my type,” Madeleine said. 

“You’re gay?” Bond asked. Oh thank god. That was understandable! 

“No,” Madeleine said. 

Fuck. 

“Then...?” Bond asked, confused. “Is it the ears?” 

“The ears are fine,” Madeleine reassured him. “I think the ears are cute. It’s just...underneath the suits, you look like you’re dehydrated. Healthy muscles shouldn’t look that defined.” 

“This is about _my six-pack_?” Bond definitely didn’t yell. 

“Yes. And about the fact that I worked with Medecins Sans Frontiers and you should go to medical to get proper stitches instead of tying your wounds together with dental floss so they heal like shit. For fuck’s sake, you live in a country with free health care. Scars can be sexy---visible reminders of your idiocy aren’t.” 

Bond was about to mumble something about not trusting doctors, and then he remembered that Madeleine was a doctor and that would only support her point.

“And the tan,” Madeleine said. “You definitely have a higher risk of skin cancer. And I didn’t see tan lines, so you really could get it anywhere.” 

“My cock isn’t going to get skin cancer!” Bond said. Hoped. 

“Speaking of your cock, it’s too big,” Madeleine said. “It was fine during the heat of the moment, but on a regular basis? Too much for me.” 

“You’re breaking up with me because of my cock?” Bond asked, his voice cracking. 

“A little bit, but mostly I’m breaking up with you because your ‘secret agent’ look is physically unhealthy and the outward manifestation of your stressed mind, and I keep thinking about possible courses of treatment when I look at you. It turns me off,” Madeleine said. 

“Who turns you on, then?” Bond asked, indignant. 

A light flush rose on Madeleine’s cheeks. “I actually meant to warn you... You might see me with Bill,” she said. 

“BILL TANNER?” Bond asked. How many times had he wingmanned for Bill? And now this? 

Madeleine nodded, smiling a little wistfully. “I do hope he says yes,” she said. “He looks so...” She clenched her fist. “ _Comfortable_. Healthy. And that leather jacket was a really good look for him, but I bet he’s hot in a nice cashmere jumper, too... Fuck, I heard him quote Shakespeare when he was on the phone with you the other day.” 

It was true; Bill had. And Bond wasn’t the average-cocked, healthily hydrated, Shakespeare-quoting type that Madeleine seemed to prefer. Bond sighed. Then he resigned himself. He and Bill were friends, and what was one wingman moment more?

“He does have the best work-life balance I’ve ever seen,” Bond admitted. “Psych practically spills in their pants after his evals; I’m pretty sure they’ve done a case study about how ridiculously stable he is. And he’s a bit smaller than me, so perhaps he’s more your size. Fucks like a dream, too; very passionate yet respectful.” 

Madeleine raised her eyebrows. 

“We go golfing,” Bond explained. He held out his hand. “I wish you well, Madeleine. Good luck with Bill.” 

Madeleine shook his hand. “And you, James. Thank you for saving my life. Drink more water.” 

“I drink,” Bond muttered. 

“Martinis don’t count,” Madeleine said. She kissed his forehead like a mother, and Bond knew as she walked out the door that it was truly over between them.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Constructive criticism is welcome. <3


End file.
